Talking BDSM with Lakota Phillips

The very talented Lakota Phillips posted this picture on Facebook, which prompted a discussion about BDSM and the lifestyle, one I waded in on. Which brings me here to this blog post.

Years ago, the title BDSM made me say “Oooer!” and think of people hurting one another. I didn’t know a thing about it, so when I decided to write a BDSM tale I bought a true-life book about a woman who dominated men for a living. She had a need to do this, and having such a job afforded her the release she needed—one other people didn’t understand or care to. She was frank, explained what the men required of her, and took me into a whole new world that brought me awareness to my fellow human beings who like being dominated, not just in the bedroom, but in everyday life.

One man visited her and requested that she flick his nipples (EDIT* I previously wrote manhood due to my bad memory!) with a coin until he bled. Now, to some people that is mightily odd and just plain weird, but to him it wasn’t. When the Dom did this to him he felt whole and left her company feeling better within himself. When the need to have her do this again arrived—say, when life got stressy and he needed release—he’d arrive by appointment and she’d serve him again. What is wrong to one man isn’t wrong to another. In my opinion, we don’t have the right to judge this man and his desires, nor do we have the right to judge this woman for the profession she has chosen. They both needed fulfilling. He hurt no one. She did her job. End of story.

I wrote my books, loved writing them too, then started a new one. For this book I needed to research men who allowed their women complete control over every aspect of their lives. To the outside world it would appear the couple lived ‘ordinary’ (whatever the hell that is) lives, but the couple had some unspoken thing going on where they were able to appear ‘normal’ yet practise their lifestyle at the same time. For example: Man and woman have friends round for dinner. Before the guests arrived, the woman had told her husband she didn’t want him eating his food until she gave him the sign—even if the food went cold. The husband was happy to do this. If he accomplished what she’d asked, she’d reward him by allowing him to touch her in bed later that night. The dinner began, and the husband covered up his non-eating by chattering about work and making it appear he was enjoying his meal by cutting his steak every so often. After about ten minutes, the wife nodded and he was allowed to eat. During this time, the man explained that the promise of what would happen later if he did as she’d asked gave him a sense of serving the woman he adored and made him feel good about himself.

Now, to some folks this would seem weird, a little whacky, but for this couple it worked. It’s what they have chosen to do. Like I said on the Facebook thread beneath Lakota’s picture, many people just don’t understand this kind of lifestyle so look upon it as odd or even wrong. Who is to say it’s wrong if both parties are in agreement as to how their relationship progresses? What has it got to do with anyone what this couple do if it isn’t hurting others? Just because something doesn’t fit the mould of what folks think is the ‘norm’, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s just different, a lifestyle choice two loving people have chosen, a path they wish to walk. They’re not forcing anyone else to walk that path, nor do they, as some people think, go around recruiting people for weird cults they belong to. It isn’t a bloody cult, for God’s sake. It isn’t wrong or bad. It’s just their life. I know someone in my real life who thought, after hearing the term ‘dungeon’, that everyone dresses in cloaks and meets up once a week in a dank, dark basement to perform sexual rituals. Oh, please. Watch TV programmes and believe them much? These things most probably do occur somewhere in the world, but I would bet it’s nothing whatsoever to do with the lifestyle practised by most couples.

With this subject, I was pleasantly surprised about the depth of love and feeling these couples have for one another. Their trust levels are very high—actually to a beautiful degree, where they know their partner inside and out, know their boundaries and feel comfortable with that one person who understands them totally. Of course, you can have this level of trust in your relationship anyway, without the lifestyle even coming into it, but if only people would just open their minds and find some understanding for their fellow man’s choices instead of brushing it off as strange. Doesn’t mean we have to jump into the lifestyle ourselves, does it?

I don’t practise it, but as I said on Facebook, I have respect for those who do. I have friends who are lifestylers, and they’re just everyday people who explore their relationships and bedroom likes and dislikes in a different way to me. Doesn’t mean, just because they do something I wouldn’t do, that they’re not welcome in my life. Plus, lifestylers—and if that term offends anyone, I’m sorry, I just don’t know what else to call it!—in my experience, have been some of the nicest people I know.

Yes, there are aspects of the lifestyle where pain is involved. Some people get pleasure from pain, and if that’s their bag, then good for them. But they bleed and hurt and cry and laugh just like everyone else. Remember, they are everyday folks who have the same battles in life: paying bills, loving their families, trying to fit a shopping trip into an already busy day, and any number of lifey things. Just like you and me.

“Actually I’m on a mission to change the world or at least help it be more open minded…as many as I can reach anyway. 😛 I’m a bit too nonconformist to follow any rules of any group. BDSM is a fascinating topic to study and I do like exploring my own kinky boundaries… As long as it’s consensual, safe and sane, why the hell should anyone else care?” ~ Lakota Phillips

“It takes less strength to control than it does to give up control and psychologically for those with trust issues it can be a healthy exercise in conquering the internal demons that cause those personal conflicts. There is also amazing connections made between people when strong, alpha personalities do choose to give up control to their partner because it is so difficult for them to turn over the reins.” ~ Lakota Phillips

Lakota Phillips’ Links:

http://lakotaphillips.blogspot.com
http://www.NewDissidentRadio.com/
http://www.myNDR.com/
http://www.moronicox.com
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=790469387#!/lakotaphillips

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7 responses

  1. kota

    What a great article Emmy! Hope you don’t mind if i pull a switcharoo and snag and repost. Heh. Doncha love the flow of circles?
    I agree with everything you’ve said here and i think the most important part is the courage to talk openly and freely about it. We don’t change and grow as a society when we hide from our own thoughts. Talking leads to rethinking leads to awareness of things beyond ourselves. And for some of us that journey leads us to places that let us get to know our own selves better and becoming better people. Because face it, no matter how you cut it, judgement equals fear and fear typically is an immobilizer, not an enabler to growth. Hugs and thanks again for sharing all this. xxxx Kota

    July 29, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    • Yes! Repost away! 🙂

      July 29, 2010 at 2:48 pm

  2. Just to add my two cents, if that’s okay. I always was proud of the level of trust between hubs and I. We have never had issues around what we’re doing when we’re not together or who we’re doing it with. It’s just always been a non-issue.

    It amazed me, when I approached him on this subject, how fearful he was about the idea of being dominant, but over the course of the last year, and a slow, careful exporation of what I really want and who I really am, I’ve come to realize just how far I had to go in my ability to *really* trust him, with everything. I haven’t given up my independance, my right to say what I think or express how I feel. I’ve simply given him the power to make the final decision, and I *have* to trust that he will take into account how I feel and what I want when he does.

    We’ve always been close, always been on the same wavelength, but the level of connection that has grown between us in the last few moths is like nothing I ever imagined before. Not to say any couple couldn’t have this same experience without the D/s aspect, of course, but like you mentioned, the level of communication required opened up our relationship like I never imagined was possible.

    July 29, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    • Sounds great, Jaime! Whatever works for you is what’s right, that’s what I think. 🙂

      July 29, 2010 at 3:54 pm

  3. Neat article! I just can’t seem to figure out how to flick a man’s penis with a coin until he bleeds.

    July 29, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    • I know. I imagined it was flicked so much, on the tip, that it got raw. Ouch! 🙂

      July 29, 2010 at 3:56 pm

  4. Oooh, I’ve found the book. My memory got twisted over time here, and it wasn’t his manhood but his nipples she flicked with coins. Will amend in my blog post.

    July 29, 2010 at 4:20 pm

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